Not hopeful

So last week I went to have an ultrasound done to check my follicles (things that hold the eggs) and it was not the best news. I had 2 on my rt side that were a bit small and then one on the left that was REALLY BIG. Too big. You see...the world of follicles can be somewhat compared to Cinderella and the glass slipper. That is it has to be JUST right. Too big is no good and too small is no good. So basically, I don't have a shot in Hell this month. Great. My dr. pretty much had the same face as she did when she told me my baby didn't have a heartbeat last month. I think she feels bad. I would if I was her. Life just seems to be sucking it up this year. Yay me.

Back in the game

The TTC game that is. Im not sure if I am happy or sad. I am definitely nervous and excited but really trying not to be super hopeful. I got AF on Wednesday, which was exactly 30 days post D&C. Thats pretty good considering most women don't get it for like 6 weeks. I called the Dr. and they called in the same meds that I used when I conceived. I really hope I can get pg again this time but I know deep down that it might not be the case. I guess my biggest fear is how I will handle it if I don't. I know that I am already mentally on the verge of a meltdown. I hate my job, the place I live, my school, my infertility, myself. But I already have 3 appts a month for my infertility and thats hard to manage wiith work, let alone worrying about appts for my severe depression. Ugh. So anyway, thats my life for now. I have a U/S on the 16th to check for follicles (eggs) and get my shot. Wish me luck!

The unhappiest place on earth...

One day my blog will be filled with happy thoughts, candy canes, and hopefully baby pictures. Until then, deal with it. Im full of negative energy.

So, I went on a long awaited much anticipated vacation home. We had plans to also go to Disneyland which is only my favorite place to go. Then I got preggers and I was a bit bummed that I wouldn't be able to participate. But, alas....I was pg...so life couldn't be better, rides or not. Right?

Well, maybe, until my baby died leaving me childless and hormonal. So then came Disney and I could go on all the rides which only made me want to cry EVERY SINGLE time I got in line. Everywhere children and fertile women roamed the streets, reminding me of my unfertilness and how I was supposed to have crossed over to the fertile side and be pg.

I wish I could go back in time and be the person I was 3 years ago at Disneyland. Newly married full of hope and promise for the future. Enjoying Disneyland for what it is...the happiest place on earth...full of wonder and excitement.

December 31, 2008

The last day of what could be cumulatively called the worst year of my life. I think I am more sad today than yesterday. I woke up at 1am and laid in bed till 6am thinking about my dead baby and feeling sorry for myself. I wish all this never happened. People say "at least you know you *CAN* get pg so that's a positive thing of all this" But deep down I always *KNEW* I could get pg and Im pissed that I did and it died. I am not mad at myself or the world but I am SOOO mad at my baby for giving up on me and at GOD for hating me as much as he does. I can't imagine trying to get pg again....let alone EVER having sex again because all it does is lead to failure and sadness. I don't have to be back to work until Wednesday and so here I sit drinking mimosa's and smoking packs of cigarettes with a dead baby still in my stomach. Did I mention HAPPY NEW YEAR?

December 30, 2008

Two days before the new year and also the day of my 3rd ultrasound. I am not as nervous as the first 2 but for some reason can only imagine that it will be bad news. Although, I did break down a couple days before and bought my first baby item. Something I haven't done through 2 years of TTC (trying to concieve) and the past 9 weeks of pregnancy....ok so I only *knew* I was pregnant for 5. But still...that takes self control. I still have no morning sickness and my breast tenderness only comes and goes. Supposedly this can happen so I haven't been trying to worry about it. I have been experiencing some lower back aches-very mild. Supposedly that can be normal too. I will describe the rest in bullets

-We walk in and its a ultrasound tech...but my dr. ALWAYS does my ultrasounds. So Brad asks "wheres the dr.?" The ultrasound tech says she will go get her and see if she wants to be in the room. They both come back.

-She asks "how are you feeling?" Translation-are you puking yet? To which I reply "no sickness, but my mom didn't have it either" She says "well, that's ok...I don't want you to be sick" sure could of fooled me since you ask it every time I come in.

-This is followed by the ultrasound starting which is followed by 45 seconds of staring and "i'm sorry, there is not a hearbeat."

-We discuss my options which are chemical termination of the pregnancy, natural miscarrige which could take weeks or a D&C where they surgically remove the fetus and lining and stuff.

of course none of these seem like good options and she sends me on my way to *think* about what I want to do. What I want to do is die but I have a feeling she won't kill me. I am supposed to leave in 3 weeks to go on vacation-home to phoenix and then to disneyland...the happiest place on earth so waiting weeks for it to occur naturally is really not an option. I talk with several people who have had miscarriages and done it both ways and all agree that I should have the D&C which will allow me a speedy recovery and the ability to move on with a life I don't want. I schedule the D&C and go on Monday, January 5, 2009. Happy New Year to me.

Christmas 2008

Today is the day I will tell my parents. We get up early and open presents. Brad comments on how he should have bought a video camera because now we will need one. I just smile. I am sooo nervous to tell my family! Since we were not able to mail the ultrasound pic as a xmas gift (our original plan) we call each of our family members and tell them that we got them another xmas gift but it did not get here on time but we took a picture if they would check their email. And there was the last ultrasound picture....of course they went from disbelief to complete happiness. And we talked of Christmases to come and nurseries and names and all that stuff I hadn't yet let myself be excited about. I had kept my heart out of it and locked away in a steel inpenatrable box but that day it broke free.

December 23, 2008

So its a week later and coincidentally two days before Christmas and the day that Brad and I have planned to spill the beans to immediate family....of course this is providing we still have a baby that's alive at today's appt. Still no morning sickness and my breast tenderness has all but disappeared...only to be known at night...sometimes. But I am SOOO TIRED now, much much more tired than the previous week. The dr. is more concerned now. For sure she thought I would have lost 20lbs from puking up every last thing I put into my mouth...which by the way ONLY wants sugar. Diabetes here I come. And then



BABY!!! and its bigger! And I can hear the heartbeat RIGHT AWAY!!! The dr. tells us it still a little slow but much faster than last week (30 beats per minute) at 105 beats per minute!!! And its grown appropriately. So now we are thinking I must have just ovulated later or the baby implanted late. She wants us to come back in one week to make sure everything is right on track. We are cautiously optimistic and the dr. says she's "reassured."