December 31, 2008

The last day of what could be cumulatively called the worst year of my life. I think I am more sad today than yesterday. I woke up at 1am and laid in bed till 6am thinking about my dead baby and feeling sorry for myself. I wish all this never happened. People say "at least you know you *CAN* get pg so that's a positive thing of all this" But deep down I always *KNEW* I could get pg and Im pissed that I did and it died. I am not mad at myself or the world but I am SOOO mad at my baby for giving up on me and at GOD for hating me as much as he does. I can't imagine trying to get pg again....let alone EVER having sex again because all it does is lead to failure and sadness. I don't have to be back to work until Wednesday and so here I sit drinking mimosa's and smoking packs of cigarettes with a dead baby still in my stomach. Did I mention HAPPY NEW YEAR?