December 30, 2008

Two days before the new year and also the day of my 3rd ultrasound. I am not as nervous as the first 2 but for some reason can only imagine that it will be bad news. Although, I did break down a couple days before and bought my first baby item. Something I haven't done through 2 years of TTC (trying to concieve) and the past 9 weeks of pregnancy....ok so I only *knew* I was pregnant for 5. But still...that takes self control. I still have no morning sickness and my breast tenderness only comes and goes. Supposedly this can happen so I haven't been trying to worry about it. I have been experiencing some lower back aches-very mild. Supposedly that can be normal too. I will describe the rest in bullets

-We walk in and its a ultrasound tech...but my dr. ALWAYS does my ultrasounds. So Brad asks "wheres the dr.?" The ultrasound tech says she will go get her and see if she wants to be in the room. They both come back.

-She asks "how are you feeling?" Translation-are you puking yet? To which I reply "no sickness, but my mom didn't have it either" She says "well, that's ok...I don't want you to be sick" sure could of fooled me since you ask it every time I come in.

-This is followed by the ultrasound starting which is followed by 45 seconds of staring and "i'm sorry, there is not a hearbeat."

-We discuss my options which are chemical termination of the pregnancy, natural miscarrige which could take weeks or a D&C where they surgically remove the fetus and lining and stuff.

of course none of these seem like good options and she sends me on my way to *think* about what I want to do. What I want to do is die but I have a feeling she won't kill me. I am supposed to leave in 3 weeks to go on vacation-home to phoenix and then to disneyland...the happiest place on earth so waiting weeks for it to occur naturally is really not an option. I talk with several people who have had miscarriages and done it both ways and all agree that I should have the D&C which will allow me a speedy recovery and the ability to move on with a life I don't want. I schedule the D&C and go on Monday, January 5, 2009. Happy New Year to me.