Inspiring or Devastating?

We are all too familiar with the words of wisdom that the fertile crowd shower upon us and also all too familiar are the stories of those who couldn't get pregnant and then miraculously did. I have one of those stories to share. Although, while some may find this story to be a perfect ending or simply amazing. I find it to be just another nail in my increasingly closing coffin.

My husband's boss at work is in his mid to late 40's and so is his wife. A while back, the hubby has been to the bosses house to do some tile work for him. He came home and told me how they have like 5 or 6 dogs that are all the same breed and how they have pictures of them everywhere ect.. Sound familiar anyone? I know that theme all too well. It just so happens MY house is adorned with such decoration and dog hair. Not 5 but still. For obvious reasons we drew our own conclusions.

So just a week ago or so his boss announces to the group that he and his wife are expecting and she is 39 weeks along!!! What.the.hell? He goes on to tell them that they had tried for 20 years to have children. Wait..what? did.you.say 20 YEARS??

Turns out they couldn't get pregnant despite almost 10 years of trying. They then turned to adoption and after driving for 8 hours to pick up their little bundle at the hospital, the mother changed her mind. They decided they would never do that again.

They found out she was pregnant when she went for a final PAP before her SCHEDULED hysterectomy! They were afraid to tell anyone for obvious reasons and decided to keep it to close family and friends until now. At 39 weeks pregnant with a baby girl.

And...I am ELATED for them. I really am. What pisses me off about this story is how everyone is making such a big deal about how WONDERFUL this news is. Which it is. But no one has yet to recognize the pain these 2 people endured prior to this wonderful news. Like somehow all that pain is erased by this most joyous news. I assume that it lessens but I don't feel like it will ever just dissipate. How sad to be so scared that you didn't tell people for your entire pregnancy.

My husband told me this story like it would be the best news of my life. Like somehow hearing that these poor people went through 20 years of treatment and failed adoption attempts to finally get pregnant in their mid to late 40s would give me renewed hope for myself. This is an incredibly sad story and thank GOD it has a happy ending. But to me...it's more devastating than inspiring. What do you think?

There was something really important

that I was going to write about today and I totally forgot. Sorry. So this will be just some random thoughts for now. If I remember then I will update this post.

Random bit of info #1: "Friend" from the last post finally did call me. 2 weeks later. Basically what it boiled down to was that SHE felt guilty that she was pregnant again and it was kind of an accident. She seems to be struggling with the idea of having another one so soon. Logically, I can totally understand the trepidation. Emotionally I cannot relate to her not being ecstatic about the blessing in the making. Either way, we kind of repaired things. It will still always be one of those things that makes your relationship different but I don't see her much so whatev.

Random bit of info #2: My cycle is screwed this month. Weird. This is my 3rd cycle off the Clomid and the last two were perfect 28 day cycles. Only problem this time....I seem to have gotten a pos opk at three different points in my cycle. I felt ovulation pains from my rt. side about 5 days after I got my first +OPK and thought crap. So I took another and it was ++. Then about 3 or 4 days later I felt O pains on the left side which I was *PRAYING* were implantation cramps. Nope another ++OPK. Seriously...WTF? I don't give a shit what my last Dr. says...I totally have PCOS. I just know it. So, I officially don't know when I ovulated or when the heck AF is due. I am expecting another 50-60 day cycle. Perfect.

Random bit of info #3: Our sex life=shitty. Brad was sick the past few days and that made things difficult for +OPK #3. Supposedly, we got it done. Took a lot of effort and I really ?? if we did. I mean...sometimes I think he might lie and say the swimmers got out. It just didn't feel like it normally does. I hope he's not lying because if I knew we missed it then it doesn't hurt as bad when AF comes. If he lies...that gives me hope. Guess we will never know.

I think that's it for now. Oh yeah...one more thing. Apparently when I ovulate I am a huge bitch. Isn't this counter productive? Anyone else have this problem? its gotta be hormones.

And another one bites the dust...

Another friend that is. Perfect, because I had SOOO many to begin with. Honestly, I am beginning to think that I will be the old cat lady...with a few dogs sprinkled in the mix. Preferably, the one who sits in a recliner smoking with cats on my lap as the ASPCA methodically removes the other 109 because I am a hoarder. That kind.



Down to the dirty part. p.s. this WILL be long.

So, I have this friend that was one of my really close friends the first year or so when I lived in ND. They moved back to AZ(happens to be my home state) in 2005 and we visit them EVERY time we go back home. With that said, we really aren't that close anymore. We talk on the phone or text maybe 3 times a year and I see them at best 1x a year. In May 2008 we went home and visited them. They were 9 weeks pregnant. We had been trying for 1.5yrs at that time and I got to hear all about how it was the 2nd month they tried and they only did it 1 time that month. You know...the stuff that makes you wanna strangle a bitch?

For more than obvious reasons I did not feel it necessary to delve into my personal experience in that area. Its painful and by this time I was damn near drunk anyway. Grin and ignore it. I swear I do that too much these days.

Fast Forward to January 5, 2009. The day that I had my D&C AND also the day her son was born. Got a txt message with his pic while I was in recovery. Ironic?

We went back home on January 21, 2009 and I just didn't have it in me to visit her and the new baby. I know right. I am a fucking bitch...go ahead say it. GAWD!

Probably March 2009 I got a phone call from her. Weird? Anyhoo, we talked of the baby and general random shit. Then she asked when *WE* were having kids. I decided to tell her of my problems. She seemed like she understood. All was good.

That brings us to August. All of the sudden she is not my friend on Facebook. Which, to be honest...I probably didn't notice for a month or more. Cause we are THAT good of friends. I happened on it when her hubby wrote a comment about loosing someone close. Thought I should go to her page and show some support. HA! D.E.L.E.T.E.D! Naturally, I think it must have been some virus or mistake or something random on Facebook happened cause HELLO haven't seen her for 1.5yrs and WTF could I have done. So, I send a message. She doesn't respond and doesn't add me back. Weird. So Brad checks and he's been deleted too so he sends a message to her hubby (his friend). Turns out she *THOUGHT* I had been in AZ and didn't even call her. Which I WASNT but she assumed since I had written something about spending time with family I was home. Because apparently family can't come visit me. WHATTHEFUCKEVER! So, our 5yr friendship (albeit not a the greatest) was done just like that.

Longest story in history made short...turns out she is also pissed that I didn't open up to her about my infertility and loss until SHE ASKED. Since I can't do that then I obviously resent her for having a baby and the fact that she's pregnant again (which I didn't even know). Ummm...Ok. p.s. this is all via facebook cause she won't TALK to me. So, I wrote her back and laid it all out there. She said she would call. She hasn't. Honestly, whatever...its not like she's my best friend.

But the more and more I think about it...the more pissed I get. Like who wants to tell someone they have been trying FOREVER when you just told them you got knocked up by chance the one time you had sex the ENTIRE month! Who responds to your picture message of your newborn and says "congrats...I just had my baby removed" I mean what.the.fuck.did.she.want? Should I have just called out of the blue with all my bad news to keep her in the loop? I don't understand.

Family Fun Time and other really fun things...

It's been too long since I wrote. I fear this may be a long blog. Fair warning.

Brad and I went to Michigan to visit his dad and step-mom over the labor day weekend. Lets just say that visits to his family or from his family aren't so much at the top of my list of things I really want to do for.a.really.good.reason.

First there was the ever so amusing and super fun 12 hour drive listening to my husband's selection of music. That was followed by my really nice step-mom-in-law yelling at me (literally) for trying to help her do the dinner dishes. Really? That was followed by me over hearing her say "thank God they don't have kids" to her sister. Not that she meant "thank God we don't have kids" but like "thank God we don't have kids just this one time cause it would be super hard to carry all the stuff we had" as she later explained to me. Cause that explanation made it so much better that those words came out of her mouth IN.FRONT.OF.ME. The trip ended with her sitting back and encouraging all the guys to go play golf on Sunday and then later telling me she'd be at church so I would have to make do alone without a vehicle or an the slightest idea of where the HELL I am. Oh that's right, I am in HELL.

There was one bright spot and that is that I got to meet two of the girls from my online chats. They are so super nice and I really had a great time. Till I got back to the step-monster's house and got schooled like a big fat 16yr old for coming home at midnight and oh she can't sleep till all her kids are home. Seriously, I am almost 30 and not your child. Fuck off. But before that I had SO much fun and it was so nice to for just one time to absolutely be myself and not just to smile and pretend even though this deep dark pain exists. Thanks Girls!



Next blog is about a really fun time I had this week when one of my not so close now but used to be close friends got all up in my business like it was her's or something.

Fortune Cookies

Things have been pretty busy the past few weeks but also pretty uneventful. I went out for Chinese food for a good friends Birthday. I always look forward to the end of the meal when you get to break open that cookie and see what fortune is printed on that tiny piece of paper. I always pray that it will be good. I got "healthy eating leads to good health" or something along those lines. Let me begin by saying that is NOT a fortune...its a fact. My friend who JUST got married a year ago got "small bundles bring lots of joy." Bitch got my cookie. What the heck? Even the Chinese have it out for me. As if the universe wasn't enough now my fortune cookies have turned against me!?

I wasn't able to do the IUI this month because good ole AF showed up on the worst day possible. She's my very best friend. Always looking out for my best interests. Stupid whore. So maybe next month. Since my cycles are so unpredictable I won't know till she shows....of course. So that's pretty much the story on the baby front. Or lack thereof. I am on CD 14 today...I believe... so maybe a miracle is on its way. I am betting on not. Brad seems to think that my negativity is causing our bad luck. Go figure. I swear for the first year +++ I tried the whole positive thinking thing...got me absolutely nowhere. I don't recommend it.

I made it......

past my Angel's EDD (estimated due date)! It was August 6, 2009. I didn't cry nearly as much as I thought I would. It was a crappy week though. Emotionally draining. The date coming was super sucky in itself however, if anything could be suckier (and yes something could) it was the fact that I haven't been pregnant for 8+ months. So, if it sucks to be told that after a year of trying you are infertile...try being infertile for 2, getting pregnant (finally), loosing it only to be told that you would be "SO MUCH MORE FERTILE NOW THAT YOU ACTUALLY GOT PREGNANT"...only to be once again almost to the "1yr your totally infertile mark"...again. Fun stuff.

Other than the total suckage of my infertility, the loss of my first baby and being infertile for the second time in 3 years...not much has been going on. I am pretty sure AF is around the corner. Which is kind of a good thing since its actually close to being on time. Usually not the case in an unmedicated cycle. Today is day 28. Last month there wasn't much babymaking going on. Brad told me I was getting fat and well that combined with the whole due date thing just really fucked up our sex life...or what was left of it.

I don't know if I am going to do the IUI or not. Right now I need Aunt Flo to have come yesterday (which she didn't) or in like 3 days. Pretty sure she is going to come in the middle somewhere. like tomorrow or the next day. Just so she can fuck with any chance I had at an IUI. All about the timing. We shall see. More to come on this once she shows. I honestly don't care at this point. I've pretty much given up any hope or faith that I will ever be a mom and apparently I am so emotionally numb that I can't even cry about it anymore. So thats my post. Pretty cheerful, ey?

Not Knocked Up

No quintuplets for me. *insert sad face here* My progesterone came back at 75- the highest it has ever been at 21DPO. But a week later...my best friend(not) came knocking at the door. They say keep your friends close and your enemies closer but this is one enemy that I do not wish to keep close.

At least she stayed away for my 6th anniversary. Brad and I went camping at Lake McConaughy in western Nebraska. He used to go as a youngster and so we have gone the past 2 years that we have lived close enough to go. We packed up the pooches and had a great time. Although, I did manage to burn on the very first day. When will I learn?





I was going to take a 3 month break from the whole TTC thing because I am seeing a new dr. on Nov. 4th. The one I made an appointment with 7 months ago. Yep. That one. She better be able to get me pregnant with a sticky baby! Anyway, my now dr. called and wants me to skip a month (this one) and then take the increased meds again, with the shot this time and IUI*. It will be my first IUI so I am hoping it will work. So, my revised plan is to skip this month, do the IUI and then skip the following month if it doesn't work. Then on to the new Dr. *fingers crossed that I don't have to see the new Dr.*


*IUI=intrauterine Insemination=having Brad do his business in a cup then having the Dr. use a catheter to bypass my cervix and inject the little guys right into my uterus. Less work for them and more to choose from. Most sperm don't make it past the cervix. I envision it sort of like the Oregon trail...some made it, lots didn't.