The unhappiest place on earth...

One day my blog will be filled with happy thoughts, candy canes, and hopefully baby pictures. Until then, deal with it. Im full of negative energy.

So, I went on a long awaited much anticipated vacation home. We had plans to also go to Disneyland which is only my favorite place to go. Then I got preggers and I was a bit bummed that I wouldn't be able to participate. But, alas....I was pg...so life couldn't be better, rides or not. Right?

Well, maybe, until my baby died leaving me childless and hormonal. So then came Disney and I could go on all the rides which only made me want to cry EVERY SINGLE time I got in line. Everywhere children and fertile women roamed the streets, reminding me of my unfertilness and how I was supposed to have crossed over to the fertile side and be pg.

I wish I could go back in time and be the person I was 3 years ago at Disneyland. Newly married full of hope and promise for the future. Enjoying Disneyland for what it is...the happiest place on earth...full of wonder and excitement.

December 31, 2008

The last day of what could be cumulatively called the worst year of my life. I think I am more sad today than yesterday. I woke up at 1am and laid in bed till 6am thinking about my dead baby and feeling sorry for myself. I wish all this never happened. People say "at least you know you *CAN* get pg so that's a positive thing of all this" But deep down I always *KNEW* I could get pg and Im pissed that I did and it died. I am not mad at myself or the world but I am SOOO mad at my baby for giving up on me and at GOD for hating me as much as he does. I can't imagine trying to get pg again....let alone EVER having sex again because all it does is lead to failure and sadness. I don't have to be back to work until Wednesday and so here I sit drinking mimosa's and smoking packs of cigarettes with a dead baby still in my stomach. Did I mention HAPPY NEW YEAR?

December 30, 2008

Two days before the new year and also the day of my 3rd ultrasound. I am not as nervous as the first 2 but for some reason can only imagine that it will be bad news. Although, I did break down a couple days before and bought my first baby item. Something I haven't done through 2 years of TTC (trying to concieve) and the past 9 weeks of pregnancy....ok so I only *knew* I was pregnant for 5. But still...that takes self control. I still have no morning sickness and my breast tenderness only comes and goes. Supposedly this can happen so I haven't been trying to worry about it. I have been experiencing some lower back aches-very mild. Supposedly that can be normal too. I will describe the rest in bullets

-We walk in and its a ultrasound tech...but my dr. ALWAYS does my ultrasounds. So Brad asks "wheres the dr.?" The ultrasound tech says she will go get her and see if she wants to be in the room. They both come back.

-She asks "how are you feeling?" Translation-are you puking yet? To which I reply "no sickness, but my mom didn't have it either" She says "well, that's ok...I don't want you to be sick" sure could of fooled me since you ask it every time I come in.

-This is followed by the ultrasound starting which is followed by 45 seconds of staring and "i'm sorry, there is not a hearbeat."

-We discuss my options which are chemical termination of the pregnancy, natural miscarrige which could take weeks or a D&C where they surgically remove the fetus and lining and stuff.

of course none of these seem like good options and she sends me on my way to *think* about what I want to do. What I want to do is die but I have a feeling she won't kill me. I am supposed to leave in 3 weeks to go on vacation-home to phoenix and then to disneyland...the happiest place on earth so waiting weeks for it to occur naturally is really not an option. I talk with several people who have had miscarriages and done it both ways and all agree that I should have the D&C which will allow me a speedy recovery and the ability to move on with a life I don't want. I schedule the D&C and go on Monday, January 5, 2009. Happy New Year to me.

Christmas 2008

Today is the day I will tell my parents. We get up early and open presents. Brad comments on how he should have bought a video camera because now we will need one. I just smile. I am sooo nervous to tell my family! Since we were not able to mail the ultrasound pic as a xmas gift (our original plan) we call each of our family members and tell them that we got them another xmas gift but it did not get here on time but we took a picture if they would check their email. And there was the last ultrasound picture....of course they went from disbelief to complete happiness. And we talked of Christmases to come and nurseries and names and all that stuff I hadn't yet let myself be excited about. I had kept my heart out of it and locked away in a steel inpenatrable box but that day it broke free.

December 23, 2008

So its a week later and coincidentally two days before Christmas and the day that Brad and I have planned to spill the beans to immediate family....of course this is providing we still have a baby that's alive at today's appt. Still no morning sickness and my breast tenderness has all but disappeared...only to be known at night...sometimes. But I am SOOO TIRED now, much much more tired than the previous week. The dr. is more concerned now. For sure she thought I would have lost 20lbs from puking up every last thing I put into my mouth...which by the way ONLY wants sugar. Diabetes here I come. And then



BABY!!! and its bigger! And I can hear the heartbeat RIGHT AWAY!!! The dr. tells us it still a little slow but much faster than last week (30 beats per minute) at 105 beats per minute!!! And its grown appropriately. So now we are thinking I must have just ovulated later or the baby implanted late. She wants us to come back in one week to make sure everything is right on track. We are cautiously optimistic and the dr. says she's "reassured."

December 16th, 2008

this is the day of my first ultrasound. to date I have not had any morning sickness and overall feel pretty much the same as I did when I was un-pregnant so naturally I am a little nervous for this first appt. I have been praying daily for good news and that this will finally be my turn to experience pregnancy and all the fun and not so fun things that go along with this. We get to the appt and the dr. seems a bit concerned that I haven't been barfing my brains out for the past two weeks. Now I am more nervous. We do the ultrasound and

BABY!!! and HEARTBEAT!!!......oh but wait. Save the excitment because followed by that very brief moment of happiness my dr. says "its a REALLY (emphasis on really) slow heartbeat." Followed by my husband who says "what does that mean?" According to the Dr. I am measuring a full week behind. I should be 6wks5days and the baby is measuring 5wks6days. So we are either not as far along as thought to be or my baby is dieing. Fun Stuff. I mean....really why would it go right? After 2 years of HELL why would *I* deserve to go on to have a happy healthy pregnancy? We schedule an ultrasound for the following week to determine whether or not it will be a viable pregancy.

I was wrong....

So the past few weeks have been a roller coaster of events. I will divide them into separate posts since I believe each deserves its own. We will start off with November 30, 2008-3 days after Aunt Flo showed up and just hours after writing my last post.

OMG!! BFP (big fat positive). This will be my first positive pregnancy test! Why test after getting aunt flo 3 days earlier you ask? Well my boobs still hurt and I thought "Self, you should waste a test...why not?" Imagine my surprise. So I don't cancel my blood test which is for the following day, Dec 1 and on Dec 2 SWEET CONFIRMATION from my dr. who calls and says "congrats!" and I want you to come in for an ultrasound in 2 weeks at which point you will be 6wks5days and we can get pictures and hopefully see a heartbeat! YAY!!!