Just Waiting *sigh*

Not a whole lot going on right now. I am pretty confident that I ovulated on Friday which would have been CD14. Whooo Hooo for a normal cycle!!!! I also felt pains on my left side all day Thursday meaning that I think my left ovary is in business....I NEVER feel Ovulation pains on the left. So, maybe that horrific test did help something!?

Now I just wait to find out if this cycle was the lucky one. I am trying not to be too hopeful because of my history (i.e. 22 failed cycles) but I can't help but be a tiny bit hopeful with all the new and exciting developments!

I can test on Oct. 3 which feels like a lifetime away! I hate testing because its so discouraging to see a big fat negative staring you in the face. I think your pee should just turn purple or something once you conceive. LOL!

Teeny Tiny Update

Today I had my post HSG appt. My Dr. wants us to try Au Natural this cycle since its pretty much too late to do anything anyway. If I am not preggo this cycle then next cycle its onto fertility drugs...specifically Clomid days 5-9. This is supposed to help regulate my ovulation so its more predictable AND give me more targets (or eggies if you prefer)! Yay for regular periods and having litters instead of babies. LOL!

I also obtained Brad's sperm count since the nurse only told me it was "normal" and Brad is on my case every time I even mention the Dr. about getting the actual #. It was 170 million. Nope, thats not a typo. 170 million sperm per millileter. Normal is anything above 40 million. He was doing cartwheels...needless to say ;-)

Also, I GOT A JOB! yay for money to pay for my broken reproductive system! Its on base at the child development center, which is basically a glorified name for daycare. But it pays well and thats what matters...right? I have to go through background checks and all that nonsense but I should start in a couple of weeks. YAY!

I am trying to maintain a totally positive attitude this month since supposedly I have such a high change of getting preggers after that last test. SO PRAY that I get pg this cycle and don't have to go on to have a litter...LOL! Thanks for reading...

-Nicole

Results....

On Friday morning I had a HSG (Hysterosalpingogram). It's a basic step to determine the cause of female infertility and is basically to ensure that the Uterus is of normal shape and size, tubes are open, and that there aren't any other abnormalities. Here is a link to some info and pictures on the procedure. http://www.advancedfertility.com/hsg.htm.

Now, don't let the very accurate description of this procedure fool you into thinking its no big deal as I did prior to having it done. While I am no expert on labor (obviously) I believe its pretty comparable in the way that if you knew what it would feel like before hand you wouldn't do it and once you have had it, you forget had bad it actually was. In short...it was FUCKING HORRIBLE. It was the worst pain I have ever experienced and I have had a major operation. Below is a brief description of the events that transpired.

Thursday Night:
Brad and I get into a huge fight. Mostly because I am completly stressed and scared and nervous and he seemed to be his normal chipper self. Probably because the following day someone wasn't going to shoot shit up his private parts. *sigh*

Friday Morning:
7am: Brad goes to work and I get up to prepare for a 10am arrival at the hospital. I'm so nervous I am peeing every 5 mins...despite the fact that I am not producing any urine. LOL.
930am: I take a pain killer (thank god for my friend who has a drug store in her kitchen) and depart for the hospital. Previously my doctor had told me to take Motrin but some wise ladies on my chats told me that I would need something much more powerful. I am so freaking nervous I can barely concentrate and somehow I have to pee again? WTF!
10am: I arrive at the hospital and pull up to the "free" vallet service as the nurse instructed me to do. All I can think is "man I need to pee" and "I wonder if you are supposed to tip the guys when its free vallet?" I still don't know the answer to the latter and if anyone does...Id love to know. I register at the desk, get my arm bracelet and take a sheet of stickers with my name on them up to radiology where I have to check in at yet another desk. Now the wait begins.
10:15am: still waiting. Its killing me! The good news is I feel the pain killer kicking in. This gives me some reassurance that this whole thing won't be that bad. Huh! if only I knew better I would have ran screaming then!
1030am: the time my actual appointment is scheduled. Apparently, I had to come a half hour early in case the 2min registration took 30min or so they could torture me with the wait. Not sure.
10:45am: Murphy's Law kicks in. Also, the time the MALE x-ray tech comes to get me. Are you fucking kidding? Out of all the women x-ray techs in this hospital...they give me the MALE? Of course they did, why wouldn't they? Why wouldn't I want to show some strange MAN my vagina? Now I will highlight the series of unfortunate events that take place once I get into the "back room."

-Some lady in a wheel chair half consious is sitting in the middle of what is supposed to be MY room. The MALE x-ray tech (did I mention he was male...lol) wheels her into a hallway that "happens" to have a window similar to a port hole on a ship. Maybe so she could watch?
-The MALE x-ray tech gives me a gown, two towels, a washcloth, and a giant pad. Tells me to get into the gown and leave the rest in the bathroom saying "you will need those later." Hmmm...not a good sign.
-The MALE x-ray tech tells me to get on the table and put my ass on a PILE of folded towels which only indicates that there will apparently be a lot of fluid escaping during this procedure. Lucky me. He then goes on to tell me "the last girl had a really hard time with this procedure but not to worry." So apparently...he's the designated vagina picture taker. Nice. Where the fuck is my dr!?
-After an uncomfortable 5mins in the room "conversating" with the MALE x-ray tech who is about to see my vagina, my Dr. finally shows up WITH 2 students. Anyone else want tickets to this show? WTF!?
-The procedure is about to be underway. Of course the student is performing it under supervision of my Dr. Apparently, patients don't get a choice in the matter. In walks ANOTHER male x-ray tech to help the first one....did I mention Murphy's Law yet?
-They use some "clip" thing to hold my cervix (ouch). Here is the technical version of this:
a tenaculum is placed on the cervix and then a narrow metal cannula is inserted through the cervical opening. Only the fucking student didn't get it right and it came off and guess who had to endure it AGAIN? that would be me...the poor son of a bitch with her legs in the air for the 5 people in the room to see. Not to mention those watching through the port hole. Fucking Spectacular!
-The Dr. tells me that now they will inject the dye (which is clear,thick, and sticky by the way). She says "it will be a lot of pressure, but it doesn't last long." Ok, that is a fucking understatement if I have ever heard one.
-I start screaming "OH MY GOD," the Dr. starts screaming to the student (who is probably terrified) "keep pushing it," and the fucking yahoo MALE X-ray tech is saying "I told you it was going to be uncomfortable!" Are you fucking kidding me. This is not uncomfortable and who the fuck told you to talk. You dumb fucking piece of shit. Take the fucking picture!
-Its over and they take the metal cannula thingy out to realize that I am POURING blood from my cervix. Murphy's Law anyone? The Dr. starts screaming at the dumb MALE x-ray tech to get some sort of blood stopping medication that HE CANNOT FIND! She sends him to SURGERY dept. to get some and apologizes to me but my cervix won't stop bleeding.
-Meanwhile I have excruciating cramps and 4 people staring at my now bloody vagina. My Dr. has her arm up my Va Jay Jay putting pressure on my cervix. *sigh* somehow, I knew that this would go horribly wrong.
-Finally, we have drugs, my Dr. removes her arm, the bloody gauze and miscellaneous medical equipment and she shows me the pictures. NORMAL. COMPLETLY FUCKING NORMAL. Im thrilled and at the same time planning my escape route from this fucking hell hole.
-My Dr. explains that I can only use pads today since the dye is "sticky" tampons will get stuck. Nice. Her and her students exit and leave me with the MALE x-ray tech (anyone see anything wrong with this?) to get cleaned up.
-I go into the bathroom and throw my clothes on...fuck cleaning up at this point I WANT OUT! Male x-ray tech does me the kind favor of "walking me out." Walk of Shame anyone???

Really long story short, I didn't tip the free vallet guy and drove straight to the nearest fast food joint to get a giant milkshake. Took some more vicodin and went home to lay on the couch in severe pain and bleeding like a stuffed pig. By night time (and after another vicodin and 4 advil) the pain subsided and I was able to watch a movie.

You may be wondering where we go from here since I am so "normal" yet I can't get pg. Well, join the club. I have to make an office appt tomorrow so we can "discuss our plan," as the Dr. put it. *sigh* The following excerpt does make me hopefull that all this was not in vain:

*Pregnancy rates in several studies have been reported to be slightly increased in the first months following a hysterosalpingogram. This may be due to the fact that the flushing of the tubes with the contrast could open a minor blockage or clean out some debris that may be a factor that is preventing the couple from conceiving. Some of these studies suggest that using oil based contrast provides a greater increase in pregnancy rates after a hysterosalpingogram than does the use of water based contrast.*

Pray!

Seriously!?

So I have two things to discuss...ok vent...about today.

1. I have only told 3 friends that I am TTC (trying to conceive). One of them who has no access to this blog and lives near me called me last night to tell me she *thinks* she might be preggo. Her boobs hurt, she's gaining weight, having headaches and her period is late. A little backstory....I haven't been talking to her much lately because she keeps going back to this looser boyfriend and then breaking up and practically committing suicide then going back...im pretty sure she's addicted to prescription meds and frankly I have enough drama in my life. Oh and did I mention she is worried about the weight gain because she used to be 82lbs (no joke) and now in 2mths she weighs 94lbs. OMG...maybe you gained weight because you were too fucking skinny to begin with. There's a fucking thought. But no, how about you call your "friend" who you know is having problems getting pg and tell her that you *think* you may be pg under the worst circumstances ever. That you are continuing to take your meds and that you continue to smoke like a chimmney and that you really don't feel like taking a test. WTF?

Ok. So she breaks up with dude (again) and now thinks she is preggo. So, why the fuck is she calling me? Have I been preggo before? Nope. not so much. I could understand if she had NO idea I was trying but its almost like she called me thinking I would have some divine answer to whether or not she is pg. I don't. take a fucking test...don't call me. What did she want from me? Did she expect some sort of sympathy because she's looking at single motherhood...because I have NONE. Did she want me to jump up and down with excitement...cause I didn't. I just don't get it. I probably sound like an insensitive bitch but honestly...after all I have been through Im pretty fucking numb. I honestly have a really hard time just living most days so things like this I just can't handle well.

2. My husband. He pisses me off. I have that very expensive test scheduled for Friday morning and he has to work. I understand that it was short notice and I pretty much had to take whatever opening they had so that's fine that he can't go. Even if it is minor surgery at the HOSPITAL. Whatever. Well tomorrow, I have to go for a pregnancy test...in case after two years of trying I magically got pg in the past 5 days!? again...whatever. After the pg test I have to take a prescription to the pharmacy to have it filled so I can take it before and after this minor operation that I have to go to the HOSPITAL for ALONE. So I ask my husband if he wants to go with me and while the pharmacy is filling the prescription we could go have breakfast or something. Nope. Too much to ask for. He'd "rather not." Fucking piece of shit! I went with him while he fucking masturbated in a cup. I sat in a waiting room full of kids toys, parenting magazines, pregnant ladies and newborn babies for an hour...but he can't go while I piss in a cup. Are you fucking kidding me? I should have been a lesbian...would have solved all of my problems.

The Visitor

The title kind of sounds like a horror movie or one of those really sick books where someone comes to visit and then mass murders the family and their pets, huh?

Well, its kind of like that.... I'm pretty sure this visitor is Mother Nature's biggest gangsta...Mother Nature's pocket aces...the "chosen" one who is sent to destroy lives on a monthly basis. You guessed it...this very intruding, definitely unwanted guest is Aunt Flo and man she is a big fucking slap in the face!

Long story short she showed up on Saturday, seriously...Saturday? Fucking Bitch! Not only did she ruin my weekend but as some of you know I was waiting for her to come (and hoping she wouldn't) to schedule this really expensive test that has to be done on days 5-9 of my cycle. Now, we all know how busy the Dr. office is. So Aunt Flo decides to come on SATURDAY to further fuck me over so that I cannot even call the Dr. until Cycle Day 3. So today I call and fucking beg them to get me in within the next 2-4 days(wed-fri) seeing how Cycle Day 8 (saturday) and 9(sunday) are now useless since some fucking inconsiderate, evil bitch that Mother Nature sent to fuck with me came on the worst day possible! The nurse is going to call me back. fucking great...thanks!

To make that even better of a story, I have an interview today at 1pm. Which you would think is wonderful since I have been looking forever, except that now my fertility is waiting on a phone call that could come at any time today. Lovely! I must have been a fucking horrible person in my past life. Anyhoo, back to the job thing...its for a law firm that specializes in injury...i.e. work related or some drunk asshole smashed into you at a red light and now you are going to sue the fuck out of his white trash ass and his insurance company. Yep...that kind. Could be interesting. I would be the receptionist. I am not going to hold my breath though...seemed like they wanted full time even though the fucking ad said "part time" otherwise I wouldn't have applied. Whatever.

Ok. talk to you guys later. Happy Monday!

The things people say....

This is funny (well to me)! Its a list of things people say (no joke...they really say these things) to people dealing with infertility.... but instead, the author related it to being a paraplegic. I guess so fertile people would understand how crazy some of the shit they say really is.....Happy Reading!

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!

2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!

3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.

7. So... when are *you* going to start walking?

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!

9. But don't you *want* to walk?

10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.

11. You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.

12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

14. Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?

15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.

18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.

25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running...

Update

So, nothing new here. I have no idea if I ovulated or not this cycle, which is really frustrating! I have taken more OPK (ovulation predictor kit) tests this month than most take in a year of trying to conceive. Ahhhhh....and they are not cheap...its like pissing on a dollar bill 3x a day. Who does that?

I'm at CD (that's cycle day) 27 today. Kind of feel bitchy like maybe I will start my period soon. I'm done with the OPKs this month so whatever is will be. Screw it. Im tired of pissing on sticks! Oh and totally craving chocolate at every meal so pretty sure Aunt Flo due for a visit here soon. Whatever...bring the bitch on.

Still trying to find a PT job. My old job actually supposedly is calling me here to soon to see if I want to come back. I don't....but I may have to for a while to save up some money. Its full time so that will suck and its stressful so thats bad for fertility but at this point I guess I either have to be stressed with money and no baby or not stressed with no money and still no baby. Either way, Im screwed. *sigh*