Apparently I don't "know" anything...

All is not perfect though...why would it be? Nothing that has to do with me and pregnancy or getting pregnant goes perfectly.

My first beta (blood test) = 82
My Second beta = 136

My RE(dr.)would like to see the first number "double" within 48hrs. This indicates a healthy progression of a pregnancy. Its not the end all be all of indicators but it is a good one. Research indicated that levels should double by the end of 48-72 hours. I am closer to the 72 hr range. Still "adequate" but not what we had hoped for. She said its one of a few outcomes:

1. It was a twin pregnancy and only one embryo is surviving.
2. Its ectopic (in my tubes)
3. Its not viable
4. Its totally fine and will catch up

So pretty much who the heck knows. I go back thursday for more bloodwork and we will have a better picture then. For now, I am doing my best not to freak the heck out and crawl into a hole to die. I am trying to stay optimistic, pray, hope and beg that this works out for us. Any prayers, hopes, or begging that you can spare on my behalf would be appreciated ;-)

I just "know"

that this IUI didn't work. I have tried so hard to have some hope and then today its just come crashing down. I don't really have an explanation for it except that I just "know" it didn't work. My boobs hurt but that's from the darn progesterone and I know it. They never hurt and my progesterone is always fine naturally but they wanted me to supplement anyway.

Today is 9dpiui and 10dptrigger. I took a test yesterday and it was negative. Of course..it should have been and I wasn't expecting anything else. I did it just to make sure the trigger was gone. But I guess a small part of me was hoping it would be positive and stay positive for the next 9 months. Reality=not possible probably but a girl can hope. Right?

I guess most of my anxiety is that EVERYONE knows this time. My family, his family, my freaking work. Ugh. I never tell anyone.EVER. But this girl at work found out the name of my dr. and knew what she did cause of some other friend (DAMN IT!). I only work with 4 other girls so what are the odds. Just my luck. Odds getting pregnant=0; odds that someone out of 4 people will know my doctor=apparently really high. Then a couple of friends know because they were supposed to dog sit while we were in Denver and we couldn't go due to the IUI (also the reason his family knows) and my family knows cause my mom was visiting when I was starting all the appts and shots.

Its hard enough to fail yourself and your husband but damn it really is going to suck when I fail my friends, my work, and both of our families too. I hate IF. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I really really want to quit and adopt or foster or something.

Sorry...total downer today. I wish I felt better. I am supposed to be going out to a going away party. I can't drink which is unlike me so then everyone at Brad's work is going to ask why or not ask and gossip about how I am probably pregnant. perfect. I guess I will fail all of them too.

Thanksgiving IUI

Today I had 5 follicles that were 19 and over. Then there was one that was slacking at about 16. I triggered at noon today and my IUI is tomorrow morning at 745am. Poor Brad...nothing like waking up at the crack of dawn to do your thing in a cup at the RE office. Although, its not like its super fun for me either.

I am trying not to get my hopes up but its hard. After 36 months for some reason there is still a shred of hope. I shake my fist at this last shred...damn you, hope, damn you!

Waiting Waiting Waiting

I hate waiting. I really really hate it. I feel like my whole life revolves around waiting and I just want to be done with it all.

Currently, I am waiting for my eggs to grow. We were hoping that they would be mature on Friday but of course they weren't. Friday was only CD10 but the Dr. was pretty sure it would just take a tiny bit of meds. I had several on the left side but none above 8 and then I had 3 on the right side that were 12,11,12. So I had to do the shots for 3 more days and I go in again tomorrow to check progress. I hope that they are ready. Brad's mom bought us plane tickets to D.enver for turkey day and I am going to feel really really bad if we can't go. But this takes priority.

I have also been having problems with people knowing about this cycle. It seems one way or another everyone found out about it. A girl at work called me out when she found out the name of my Dr. and then proceeded to tell everyone at work. ugh. Brad's boss caught us with a syringe at the station (hubby has to give me the shot). Then this one friend knows. The sucky thing about everyone knowing is that I will have to tell everyone when it doesn't work. I hate that. And people keep thinking I am going to know anyday now. They don't get that I still have to wait like everyone else! ugh.

Shoot me now

AF came on Wednesday. CD 3 bloodwork was Friday morning at 7:30am and by 11am I had the results. All things normal except FSH=9.1. Shoot me now. Things just never go my way.

RE Appt.

I had my appt with the new RE on Wednesday. I was so nervous. I cried all morning. I don't know why. I think it was anxiety. I was just nervous about talking about my loss, my problems and all that. I just can't believe it got to this point where I had to seek out a 2nd opinion.

The appt went nothing how I expected. I had heard she was very blunt and there were some not so nice comments about her on the internet but she has THE BEST success rates so what are ya going to do!? Suck it up and deal with it. I was pleasantly surprised when I met her. She is blunt but not in a mean way...and she's funny. Which I love love love funny people and I think its great that she makes the situation lighter.

She basically said that I obviously have a little bit of a problem with annovulation. She doesn't think its extreme since I do get AF every month and most months on time. I do have a few cycles per year that are on the longer side (40is days) so that indicates a problem.

DH on the other hand has a problem. Its not a "new" problem but it wasn't ever explained to us correctly and was brushed off as insignificant. He has a high semen volume. Meaning...too much fluid. He has a high sperm count (170mil) and good motility (72%)but the extra seminal fluid dilutes the sperm and my body basically washes them out with the fluid. Perfect. She said we can get around it with IUI or IVF. It's not impossible to get pregnant on our own but the success rates are like less than 1% a month.

The plan is IUI with injectibles for this month. YAY!! This month marks 1yr since my last pregnancy so its nice to be making progress hopefully. First I have to have bloodwork and then a saline sonogram to make sure I don't have scarring from the loss. She also put me on Metformin to hopefully regulate my cycles a little better and sustain any future pregnancies.

So, I am cautiously optimistic that we will be able to have children with her assistance. I am glad that there is something that we can blame it on...since for the most part we didn't have a clear answer.

17 days and counting down...

until my appt with the new RE. I am scared, excited, really scared, thrilled, nervous, anxious, and really really scared.

Ugh.

I am just a bundle of nerves. I don't know why. Partly because my old RE is so positive and optimistic. Although, I am still not pregnant. This new RE has the reputation of being very to the point and honest even if it isn't what you want to hear. Which I probably need and if she gets me pregnant then she could curse me out for all I care. But, I am still really nervous.

I guess I have always had a fear of the unknown and kinda always hated change. But it's so much worse when you are soooooooo emotionally invested in something. I am trying to think positive but that has become very difficult.

Also, next month marks 3 years....and way too many cycles to count. Someone let me off this ride! I am going to puke!!!