I just "know"

that this IUI didn't work. I have tried so hard to have some hope and then today its just come crashing down. I don't really have an explanation for it except that I just "know" it didn't work. My boobs hurt but that's from the darn progesterone and I know it. They never hurt and my progesterone is always fine naturally but they wanted me to supplement anyway.

Today is 9dpiui and 10dptrigger. I took a test yesterday and it was negative. Of course..it should have been and I wasn't expecting anything else. I did it just to make sure the trigger was gone. But I guess a small part of me was hoping it would be positive and stay positive for the next 9 months. Reality=not possible probably but a girl can hope. Right?

I guess most of my anxiety is that EVERYONE knows this time. My family, his family, my freaking work. Ugh. I never tell anyone.EVER. But this girl at work found out the name of my dr. and knew what she did cause of some other friend (DAMN IT!). I only work with 4 other girls so what are the odds. Just my luck. Odds getting pregnant=0; odds that someone out of 4 people will know my doctor=apparently really high. Then a couple of friends know because they were supposed to dog sit while we were in Denver and we couldn't go due to the IUI (also the reason his family knows) and my family knows cause my mom was visiting when I was starting all the appts and shots.

Its hard enough to fail yourself and your husband but damn it really is going to suck when I fail my friends, my work, and both of our families too. I hate IF. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I really really want to quit and adopt or foster or something.

Sorry...total downer today. I wish I felt better. I am supposed to be going out to a going away party. I can't drink which is unlike me so then everyone at Brad's work is going to ask why or not ask and gossip about how I am probably pregnant. perfect. I guess I will fail all of them too.