Quintuplets?

This month my Dr. upped my dose of Clomid from 100mg to 150mg. I was starting to have less than satisfactory results on the 100mg...i.e. my progesterone was low and my follicles (eggs) not as great.

Thursday was my follicle scan to see what was going on with those ovaries and get a head count on my future possible babies. Well, there were 5! "5 perfect follicles" is what the Dr. exclaimed. So, some one who is practically desperate to get pregnant and move on in life would think that this is just wonderful, right? I know I did. My Dr. however, DID NOT. She said we can't do the trigger shot to make me ovulate because the risk would be too high. She also said talk to my hubby prior to having sex to make sure we are ok with the risk of multiples. We are.

So, I am pretty sure I ovulated on MY OWN on Sunday (day 15)!! YAY!! Now the question remains...how many follicles did I release? I will tell you that Monday and Tuesday I was in extreme discomfort. Extreme. My abdomen hurt so freaking bad. I was bloated and it hurt to walk. So, I hope i released all 5. I don't want quints but I feel like 5 gives me a good chance at 1 or 2. Please God??!!! So pray for me.

Random Things....

So, this post is just a lot of stuff that I have been holding in. Its probably going to sound like a vent or me complaining. Sorry in advance.

1. I have 7 classes left for my B.S. in Business Admin. Since I do it by terms year round that will leave me graduating in December-January time frame. I am freaking out for many reasons. The first being that I was supposed to be raising my baby and going to school and then starting a career a bit after school was over. But, now it seems I am going to finish with no baby. I don't feel ready to start a career. Its not how it was supposed to be. We won't be able to afford for me to stay home much longer after school is over. We definitely won't be able to afford IVF. All this anxiety over the whole thing is affecting my grades. I am missing assignments and just not caring about school. I can't focus on it. Its like I want to fail so I won't be done so soon. How crazy is that!?

2. I am REALLY homesick. I miss the AZ summers so much and my friends and family and swimming. I have been to a swimming pool in years. Maybe its because I was happy in AZ and I am not now. Im sure if I had stayed there I would still be sad because its the infertility that makes me sad. I mentioned it to hubby but he didn't say much. Its like 300 bucks for just the plane ticket. I feel guilty spending that when we have so many other things to put the money to. ugh. life isn't easy.

3. I kind of want to quit trying to get pregnant. But I am scared of the consequences of that decision. My husband is against stopping. Im torn. I want to get pregnant and the only way to do that is to try but I want to live a happy life again. Then I don't know that if I did stop that all of these feelings would go away. They probably wouldn't. It totally sucks.

4. My EDD (estimated due date) for my angel is coming up. I can't believe its almost here. I was due Aug. 6, 2009. Its heartbreaking that I am still not even pg again. Totally stinks.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I am just having a hard time with a lot of different things right now. Probably the flippin hormones. Please tell me if you notice a trend. ;-)

Chemical Pregnancy

What is this you ask? Here is what I found while G.oogling the subject:

A chemical pregnancy is the clinical term used for a very early miscarriage. In many cases, the positive pregnancy test was achieved before the woman’s period was due but a miscarrige occured before a heartbeat was able to be seen on an ultrasound.

Early testing shows chemical pregnancies which would not have been detected had the woman waited for her period to arrive. Chemical pregnancies are unfortunately very common.

Why blog on this? Well, because it is exactly what happened to me this month. After 2.5 years TTC I finally had my first chemical pregnancy. it.sucks.

Lets just start by saying that my progesterone came back at 18.4 at 7DPO(days past ovulation) this month which is the LOWEST it has ever been. When I was pregnant with my angel it was 39 on 7DPO. The weird thing is that my nurse and Dr. were pretty darn excited about this which was a source of complete distention with me since it was the LOWEST it had ever been. WTF? Do these people read my charts?? Anyway, back to the point....I had NO hope of being pregnant since finding out on Monday that it was 18.4.

Here is the kicker. Those freaking A-holes were right!? I went for my blood test Thursday at 14DPO (a week later) and on Friday I get a call from the dr. Unfortunately, I was unable to take the call. The message said "call me back." Code for you are totally pregnant and I can't say that on a voicemail. So, upon hearing this message I am like "OMFG! I am pregnant!" Translation=oh my fucking GAWD, I am pregnant!"

Here is where it takes an unfortunate turn. I call back and the nurse says your levels show SOMETHING but the Dr. wants you to come back in a week and retest to be sure. OK. Not good. So basically, I am pregnant but my levels are so low they aren't willing to utter those words.

I make the appt. for the following week and prepare to be on yet another 10 week rollercoaster ending in misery only praying that it be over sooner if it isn't going to be the real deal. Saturday (3 days late) I start spotting brown and cramping...which is exactly what happened with my angel at exactly the same time. great.here.we.fucking.go.again. So I beg that it be over soon if it isn't going to be sticky and then this afternoon...bright red flow.

Im sad. But I am more sad that I should be 34 weeks pregnant and preparing for a baby in a month or so. Instead, I am barren as ever and well...pretty fucking emotional. Life is Grand. Someone please tell me when enough is enough? When does the pain end? When is it my turn to get off the rollercoaster and on to the motherhood bus? I pray that it is soon.

Trigger Test

Every month I get what is known to us infertiles as the "trigger" shot. This is basically a shot of HCG (pregnancy hormone) that somehow or another forces our bodies to ovulate within a 36 hour period. Or so we hope. The Dr.s tell us this is so. Well, the thing with the trigger is that it can show up on a pregnancy test and give you a false positive. So, you have to be really careful about testing before the trigger shot has left your system. False positives in the infertile world are like tornadoes hitting your home. Ok. Not good.

So, I decided to do a test to see about when the trigger leaves my system. Its different for everyone and they say it can have some to do with body weight. I started the test on the 9th day AFTER my trigger shot. It was a faint faint line. I also forgot that morning and peed when I got up so it wasn't done with FMU (first morning urine) which is the most potent stuff. Supposedly. 10 days past the trigger, with FMU...still a faint faint line. Then I skipped day 11 because I was running low on tests. So today, 12 days past trigger, with FMU.....no line. So, I apparently run on the long end of trigger absorption. Fabulous. A lot of people I know get negative results by 9 days past trigger. The end.

2.5 Years of TTC

The end of this month officially marks 2.5 years of trying to make a little baby.

I am on CD11, back on Clomid since my Dr. was generous enough to allow me the drugs this month. Im still pissed at her. To make things worse, her nurse was a total Bitch (yes capital B)this time. It went like this:

Nurse: "the dr. said we could do the meds again. Did you fill your prescription from last month?"
Me: "I didn't have meds last month."
Nurse: "I KNOW that! but did you FILL the prescription?"
Me:"ummm...I was never given a prescription to fill since I wasn't going to take the meds!"

Usually, she is very nice. Maybe she had a bad day? To which I reply, try having a bad day for 2 1/2 years bitch, and then go ahead and speak to me in the manner you just did. It doesn't seem as snotty written out but I assure you, it was. The other thing that ticks me off is doesn't she have my records? do they not keep track of prescriptions that are given? I mean WTF people???

Anyways, tomorrow is my ultrasound to check my follicles. I better have a couple of big ones. Please GOD, please. Then I get to come home and babysit a 5yr old and a 3 month old for a friend. Just for a few hours. I love kids so it doesn't really bother me.

The pregnant lady that came to the BBQ yesterday...that bothers me. I had my fair share of margaritas, to say the least. I wasn't expecting preggers to be there so I was wholly unprepared. Which, makes it worse.

Mother's Day

sucked.

Really, did anyone expect different? My Mother In Law was the ONLY one to call and see how I was doing. Not my own mother, not my aunt, not a single friend, HELL...not even my own husband!? I mean, I know it can't be an easy thing to bring up but my Mother in Law just called and said "how are you doing today?" That's all I needed or wanted...just to be acknowledged. After all, I should be almost 30wks pregnant and enjoying my first Mother's Day. Finally. :*(

So, the day totally sucked. Brad and I got into a huge fight over a really stupid thing. I don't know why. He says its because I am about to get my period. Well, DAMN I HOPE SO!!! Today is CD43...yes 43. Son of a monkeys butt!!

Here is a Mothers Day poem that someone posted on an online loss board:

A Mother’s Day Wish From Heaven

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.
~ by Jody Seilheimer ~

Completely Frustrated!!

So, I am going on 35 days without AF! WTF!? I *knew* this was going to happen. I just knew it. The freaking Dr. made me skip the drugs this month and I was terrified it would screw up my body and well...looky looky at who was right. ME!!! I am so irritated, and no..Im NOT pregnant. I took a test this morning and several other mornings before and its NEGATIVE completly NEGATIVE. Proving my theory correct. Now, not only did my Dr. WASTE an entire month but now we are into the 2nd month and Im still sitting around guessing when mother nature will pay me a visit. Nice.