So, this post is just a lot of stuff that I have been holding in. Its probably going to sound like a vent or me complaining. Sorry in advance.
1. I have 7 classes left for my B.S. in Business Admin. Since I do it by terms year round that will leave me graduating in December-January time frame. I am freaking out for many reasons. The first being that I was supposed to be raising my baby and going to school and then starting a career a bit after school was over. But, now it seems I am going to finish with no baby. I don't feel ready to start a career. Its not how it was supposed to be. We won't be able to afford for me to stay home much longer after school is over. We definitely won't be able to afford IVF. All this anxiety over the whole thing is affecting my grades. I am missing assignments and just not caring about school. I can't focus on it. Its like I want to fail so I won't be done so soon. How crazy is that!?
2. I am REALLY homesick. I miss the AZ summers so much and my friends and family and swimming. I have been to a swimming pool in years. Maybe its because I was happy in AZ and I am not now. Im sure if I had stayed there I would still be sad because its the infertility that makes me sad. I mentioned it to hubby but he didn't say much. Its like 300 bucks for just the plane ticket. I feel guilty spending that when we have so many other things to put the money to. ugh. life isn't easy.
3. I kind of want to quit trying to get pregnant. But I am scared of the consequences of that decision. My husband is against stopping. Im torn. I want to get pregnant and the only way to do that is to try but I want to live a happy life again. Then I don't know that if I did stop that all of these feelings would go away. They probably wouldn't. It totally sucks.
4. My EDD (estimated due date) for my angel is coming up. I can't believe its almost here. I was due Aug. 6, 2009. Its heartbreaking that I am still not even pg again. Totally stinks.
Anyway, thanks for listening. I am just having a hard time with a lot of different things right now. Probably the flippin hormones. Please tell me if you notice a trend. ;-)
Thoughts on Enshittification
16 hours ago
3 comments:
{{{HUGS}}}
Don't beat yourself up about the way you are feeling lately...it's completely normal and a lot of women have gone through the same emotions. Including me. Afraid to make plans for the future...wondering "what if" all of the time...wanting to quit just to get your life back. IF takes such a toll on us it's a wonder that we are all still able to stand at the end of the day.
I don't really have any words of wisdom for you, just have been reading your blog for a while and wanted to introduce myself. I'm Caitlin and have been TTC for 2.5 years. I am a part of a message board for women who have been TTC for more than a year and we all blog together. It has proved to be an amazing outlet and full of supportive women from all over.
Hope you start to feel better soon and you find happiness in whatever you and your husband decide. BTW I love the quote on your page.
Thanks for your kind words. I am glad you introduced yourself! Hopefully, we both will be pregnant soon and we can leave all this behind. Thanks for reading my blog...I haven't really shared it with any family or friends...just kind of an outlet for me, I guess.
Melba,
i just want you to know that I love you!! For many years after my miscarriage I knew exactly how old my baby would be. I at least know what that feels like. You are in my thoughts. Please call if you want to talk, whenever.
Post a Comment