2.5 Years of TTC

The end of this month officially marks 2.5 years of trying to make a little baby.

I am on CD11, back on Clomid since my Dr. was generous enough to allow me the drugs this month. Im still pissed at her. To make things worse, her nurse was a total Bitch (yes capital B)this time. It went like this:

Nurse: "the dr. said we could do the meds again. Did you fill your prescription from last month?"
Me: "I didn't have meds last month."
Nurse: "I KNOW that! but did you FILL the prescription?"
Me:"ummm...I was never given a prescription to fill since I wasn't going to take the meds!"

Usually, she is very nice. Maybe she had a bad day? To which I reply, try having a bad day for 2 1/2 years bitch, and then go ahead and speak to me in the manner you just did. It doesn't seem as snotty written out but I assure you, it was. The other thing that ticks me off is doesn't she have my records? do they not keep track of prescriptions that are given? I mean WTF people???

Anyways, tomorrow is my ultrasound to check my follicles. I better have a couple of big ones. Please GOD, please. Then I get to come home and babysit a 5yr old and a 3 month old for a friend. Just for a few hours. I love kids so it doesn't really bother me.

The pregnant lady that came to the BBQ yesterday...that bothers me. I had my fair share of margaritas, to say the least. I wasn't expecting preggers to be there so I was wholly unprepared. Which, makes it worse.

Mother's Day

sucked.

Really, did anyone expect different? My Mother In Law was the ONLY one to call and see how I was doing. Not my own mother, not my aunt, not a single friend, HELL...not even my own husband!? I mean, I know it can't be an easy thing to bring up but my Mother in Law just called and said "how are you doing today?" That's all I needed or wanted...just to be acknowledged. After all, I should be almost 30wks pregnant and enjoying my first Mother's Day. Finally. :*(

So, the day totally sucked. Brad and I got into a huge fight over a really stupid thing. I don't know why. He says its because I am about to get my period. Well, DAMN I HOPE SO!!! Today is CD43...yes 43. Son of a monkeys butt!!

Here is a Mothers Day poem that someone posted on an online loss board:

A Mother’s Day Wish From Heaven

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.
~ by Jody Seilheimer ~

Completely Frustrated!!

So, I am going on 35 days without AF! WTF!? I *knew* this was going to happen. I just knew it. The freaking Dr. made me skip the drugs this month and I was terrified it would screw up my body and well...looky looky at who was right. ME!!! I am so irritated, and no..Im NOT pregnant. I took a test this morning and several other mornings before and its NEGATIVE completly NEGATIVE. Proving my theory correct. Now, not only did my Dr. WASTE an entire month but now we are into the 2nd month and Im still sitting around guessing when mother nature will pay me a visit. Nice.

Still Waiting for AF to Show

Pretty sure this is the boat Im getting on this month:

Looking for more funny pictures?

Brad turns 31 today!

Happy Birthday!!! Its not like he reads this blog, but its the thought that counts, right? I figured I would make a little post about it since the whole point in this blog is to keep track of our journey to parenthood (fingers crossed). So, wow...31! We are old. I can't believe he's in his 30's!!! Even though...this technically happened last year. 31 just seems so much older than 30. I really wish I could give him a baby and I feel so bad that he will be an older father. I know that this is something he never really wanted as his parents are older. But, what can I do?

Other than the big birthday news, there really is not much going on. I have been feeling pretty depressed the past few days. I think its just the hormone shift. I should be in the 2ww now. Its Day 21. I never got a + ovulation test but I wasn't super consistent either. I think I'm really close to giving up to be honest. I really want to be pg....really really bad but its almost like I am not willing to fight for it anymore. *sigh* Again, could be the hormones. They have a tendency to screw with me month to month!

HAPPY EASTER!!

So, today is Easter 2009. Which effectively marks the 3rd Easter since I started TTC. How depressing is that? I have started a new goal in life and that is to loose 10lbs by the end of June. I have gained 10lbs since this whole TTC thing and its really dragging me down. The low self esteem that being infertile causes really is a problem thats overlooked. I really have been feeling pretty bad about myself since I am infertile and fat! Anyway, I joined a gym and had my first couple of sessions with a personal trainer. Which was good. I am going to also take classes there 2x a week...cardio kickboxing and yoga.

Nothing much on the fertility front. I have tons of EWCM this month which is fabulous! It never occurred to me how much Clomid drys you up. Although, I always still have some its not like this!!! We aren't killing ourselves over the BD thing because, lets face it...I most likely will not get pg anyway...so whats the point. Its been a nice little break and a good time to refocus my energy on something other than my barren womb!

Here is to hoping this is my last Easter childless!!!

Are You Kidding!?

So, oddly...March was yet another infertile month for me. Seriously, its starting to get really old. Im starting to wish I was dying or something because then at least there would be an end in sight. *sigh*

So I called the nurse to tell her that Aunt Flo came and I need my meds called in ect... Well, she calls me back and tells me that I have to SIT THIS CYCLE OUT because day 12 of my cycle (the day the do the follie check) will be Good Friday and they aren't open. WTF!? So, do it on Monday when you are open? I don't ovulate that early on my own anyway so why the fuck can't I do it then? I am so flippin pissed.

So pissed....that I called a different dr. one who wrote a book and is supposed to be really good and guess what, they can get me in...IN NOVEMBER!!!! Are you fucking kidding me? 7 months from now. I made the appt cause at this point what do I have to loose but if I am not pg by NOVEMBER...someone better fucking kill me.

I am beyond depressed...I am beyond desperation here. I don't know what to do. Give up? Be happy with my life how it is? Become a foster mom? I don't know what to do. I know I will never be happy childless...thats for sure. So...I guess I wait till November (isn't that a song?) *sigh*