WTO......

which stands for Waiting To Ovulate for you fertile people reading this. :-) Anyhoo, so I am on day 20 of my cycle and I still haven't ovulated. Last month I ovulated from my Right side and on Day 20. Which means that this month it's my good ole' left ovary's turn. Which apparently is the more stubborn of the two. Fucking spectacular.

Why spectacular do you say? Well, WTO is kind of a sucky phase because you pretty much have to screw like rabbits all day everyday only to fail the mission a few weeks later. So this marks day 17 (no sex on the period) of screwing my brains out and frankly I need a break. So, if my lazy left ovary would get its shit together... I would appreciate it. Pretty sure, i will never have recreational sex ever again.

Anyway, that's my upadate. Not a whole lot going on here...trying to find a PT job so that I can afford all the upcoming tests and treatments. *sigh* real life fucking blows! (and yes I can say fuck on here...its my fucking blog and frankly, I like the word)

infertility sucks ass...

So, yesterday we got Brad's SA (semen analysis) results back. They were good. Of course they were. A huge big fat reminder that I am the one with the problem. So basically, he could go out tomorrow and impregnate half the world with his millions and millions of sperm. I on the other hand could screw the world and get nothing out of it except maybe some good sex and a few STDs. Nice.

Which leaves me to my point that infertility sucks ass because now not only am I completely depressed about my good for nothing reproductive system....Im afraid my husband will up and leave me for one that works. Super fun, let me tell you.

He of course, was happy as a clam knowing that his junk is good stuff. I on the other hand want to rip his junk off and shove it down his throat like he shoved his goodness in my face.

negative nelly

about the lack of support and understanding that my family and friends have for me and my infertility.... is it just that they don't understand? I mean, even my husband of 5 whole years who I have moved countless places and given up many things for...cares as much as an angry mountain lion lurking in hopes that at any moment I will be weak enough to pounce on. At that weakest moment, when it seems like life couldn't possibly be more cruel, he rips my heart out with his teeth. How great is that?

There is no "Im sorry, I understand that this must be very difficult" no "Im right here for you" nope. nothing. zip. zero. zilch. Its more of an annoyance that I even care that I cannot make my own body work for long enough for one of his millions of sperm to find my stupid uncooperative egg that apparently is more interested in playing dodgeball than performing the very function it exists for. I feel like ripping my ovaries out of my body and throwing them at him!

Further, I want to know what the hell is wrong with being a "negative nelly?" seriously. Why is it that everyone on this earth wants to see "positive polly" all the freaking time? Maybe if "positive polly" was trying for two years to accomplish something that most drug addicts accomplish in one night...she wouldn't be so flippin happy all the time. Just a thought. Maybe people should just assume that "negative nelly" has had her fair share of negative experiences and just wants to feel the pain for a little while. Back off....let her be. Then again, you could be like my husband and just make it worse for her. I mean, thats another good option.

And so it begins....

So, here I am almost two years into my futile attempts at conceiving a child...blogging. I have never blogged before but thought that it may be a good outlet for the extreme depression and anger I have for:
a. the world
b. my reproductive system
c. the friends and family that seem to have a complete lack of support and understanding

Anyway, I am hoping that somehow getting all of this out will get me pregnant? ok...no (what!? I will try anything at this point)...im actually hoping it will help me COPE.

Cheers to those reading!